Part of story I wrote a while ago.
People exist in vacuums. At least that’s the way Charlotte did.
***
During the day Charlotte mostly thought about how decisions liked to make themselves up for her, no matter the effort she gave. It had always been a source of frustration. When she couldn’t sleep at night, which happened often since late May, she’d think about Jude. She would think about the white picket fence he insisted on having just to live the cliche he never thought was possible. In the house that was painted a peculiar color of green on the outside with an orange dining room, purple bedroom, and yellow kitchen, there were two children. Erick and Amanda. There was a third on the way whose name hadn’t been decided just yet. There was a bloodhound named Betty who had the strangest colored fur and two cats–Sally and Mae. For the first two weeks Charlotte and Jude had Sally and Mae, Charlotte sniffled every time she sat on the blue couch covered in cat hair. One night Sally crawled into her bed and didn’t stop until Charlotte’s sniffling had gone away. In the backyard there were bikes for the kids that sat out on the porch which Jude always brought in when it rained. He thought himself harsh with his children, but really he couldn’t help but be sweet. Charlotte rarely cooked or did dishes and only did so when she felt like it. Jude handled almost everything. Jude would mow the lawn at night when the weather cooled down in his ripped tank top which Charlotte had sewn back together secretly too many times because Jude refused to get rid of it. In return, Charlotte would make their bed, do her own laundry, and love Jude the way he deserved to be loved.
***
Charlotte handled holidays, the planning and decorating was her favorite part, so the house was always festive. There were lots of things to celebrate even if it was just a season. During Christmas, which was once Jude and Charlotte’s favorite holiday, Jude bought the kids advent calendars. During the winter the kids got sick often from the weather. Charlotte stayed in with them while Jude worked to make up the loss of income. Jude was good at taking care of people he loved. On those days Charlotte did what her mother did in her best memories. She would sit Erick and Amanda down on the brown Persian motif carpet in front of the TV and bring over colored strips of paper to make a nice long paper chain that the handrail on the house’s wooden stairs would be decorated with. But unlike in her mother’s home, the paper chain would never be torn down in a fit of anger towards her husband. Instead it would be replaced with other things for other seasons like Charlotte had begged her mother to do. Charlotte’s father hadn’t even complimented the paper chain yet before it got taken away. Erick and Amanda would never see it in the kitchen trashcan covered by scraps of food. Instead the chain would sit neatly in the hallway closet upstairs (just above the towels) to be used again and complimented by both Jude and Charlotte eventually.
***
While Charlotte and Jude slept in the bed which had too many blankets strewn all over it, Charlotte would hold Jude close to her chest as he fell asleep. The crook of her neck was his favorite place so his forehead rested there. He would push his cheek further into her chest, slowing his breathing down to match hers. Jude’s arms were wrapped tightly around her the entire night almost every night. Charlotte wondered if it was because he was afraid he’d feel the guilt he felt before when he let her go for a while. Every morning Charlotte would hear Jude getting ready for the day, his awake-ness marked with a running shower and music she disliked. He would come back to bed for just a little bit with his wet hair which he sometimes asked her to trim, careful not to get too much of the water on her face while she slept. He’d carefully move her head into his lap from the pillow and keep her there until Charlotte told him he had to go because he’d be late. Lateness was never something which concerned Jude unless it came to Charlotte and the kids. He was never late for them. He didn’t care much to be a few minutes late to work every now and then because for a very long time being on time meant Charlotte wasn’t there for him to hold and be held. On Erick’s birthday sometimes Charlotte would think about how anticipated Erick was to both Jude and her. How when they bought the house, on the first night they slept in it Jude took her upstairs to their new bedroom whose floors were lined with tarps for painting and was furnished with only a bed and their newly shared dresser. She would remember how gently he laid her down, unbuttoning her shirt, kissing her chest, and taking down her shorts which might as well not have been there. Charlotte and Jude looked at each other that night with longing and love, they had a space that was theirs which was meant to be occupied by more than two.
***
On nights that Charlotte wouldn’t go to sleep, she would reach to call Jude but knew it wasn’t right to hold him there in the distant way she could. Jude would never stop loving her, he would give her anything she needed from him, and it was wrong to take it. Jude had to move on and she had to stay the same and that was okay. The same isn’t always bad; at least it’s stable in it’s own way. Charlotte would get out of bed to turn on the bathroom light, a trick Jude showed her for nights that the dark got too scary in more ways than one. She’d stumble to her closet where the few things she had to remember Jude by were packed away. She had a routine: Jude’s shirt and pajama pants sat on the top of the pile, her clothes would get taken off quickly to be replaced with his, and then the heavy jacket he’d given her on their first anniversary (the one that matched his) would slowly get unfolded. The jacket was the worst to hold of all the things Jude had given her. It was the same jacket he’d offered to her the day he realized he wanted her around for a while. It was the same jacket she’d cried into and the same one she’d worn all the times she was forced to be away from Jude. The jacket couldn’t be put on. It wasn’t hers. Charlotte would crawl back into bed wearing Jude’s shirt and green pajama pants, cradling the jacket so she could smell the cologne she’d sprayed on it. He’d need the jacket for when he came back; the jacket should smell just like he does. Jude would need the jacket eventually.
***
Charlotte existed in a vacuum. It was what she deserved.
