I am busy and I don't necessarily like it. I don't like it mostly because I have a hard time keeping up with the busy. I don't like that the more adult I get, the more split I am (hence the case of the splits). I am plain with family, funny with friends, someone new at work, and rarely myself even when I'm alone. I've been leaving my ringer on so I can hear when people text me in the middle of the night (sometimes it happens). It's nice to be wanted but it's important to realize that I'm wanted in the moment and that I really shouldn't wait to respond. Whoever texted might not want me an hour from when they did before. There are lots of books about people that have the splits but I haven't read any of them recently. What I remember is that the people feel like me. I feel lots of things in big ways and at the same time, only sometimes though, when I'm in a big moment I don't feel much at all. Most of the people in the books about the splits are around my new age so now I'm curious to know if this is just something that happens to everyone and either they get through it or they don't. Most of them in the books don't. I think I'll get over it eventually. It would just be nice if people could love me as hard as they did when I didn't have the splits even when I do now. Maybe they do and I don't notice it. I'm trying to take things at face value more often and it's going okay. I sort of resent myself for not handling this situation with more grace. With everything scattered all over the place I think I'm more prone to forgetting where I am or what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel very guilty for being so split everywhere and I feel like because I'm split I can't ever be enough. I'm very sure people notice this and dislike me for it.
I had a really weird dream where I was forced to choose between two people I loved but the whole dream I was confused because the two people I loved were the exact same person and I had no idea why each person had taken different qualities from the one person that they both were so the one person could become two people. Both people had the same hair and clothes and they smiled the exact same way and they both told me they loved me in the same way that the one person I knew they both were does. I knew that once I chose one of the two people, I'd lose the other. I started weighing my options. I took it very seriously. I spent a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror in my room which was dark and isolated and brown for some reason, talking to myself about how this one person who I was really fond of was the same as the other person who I was also really fond of. The two people were asking me to choose between them. I never saw them together, which made the idea that these two people were the same and just pretending to be different people more believable. The whole day after I thought about what my dream might mean but ended up thinking about how realistic everyone looked and how eerie the town we lived was.
I did have the thought that maybe the person I dreamed about has the splits too and that maybe it's happening to other people but I didn't notice it sooner because I just got sick.
