Last spring I hit a tough spot. I sort of felt like I should be sent away for a while and maybe use the discard that I’d put on other people to make sure I never felt deep ever again. I liked to take days off of work to get a hotel room and sleep all day. I chose to put energy into dead things because I liked the way they stank. In the spring, instead of pushing things away, I made two new friends and unknowingly started to lose a third. The two didn’t know the extent of my issues with three. It was embarrassing.
Anyways.
I remember driving to three’s house one night and falling asleep right as I got there. Three didn’t seem to care. Three moved me to a bed because sleeping with my head between my knees while propped in a kitchen chair didn’t seem comfortable. I like to sleep in kitchen chairs underneath florescent lights. Mom used to straighten my hair at 5:30 every morning before school and I’d sleep while she tugged at deep roots which were naturally tangly at both the tip and end of the strand. I don’t know how long I slept for. I remember waking up a few times to talking, once because the bathroom light turned on, and finally deliberately by three. It was time for me to go home. Three made a tortilla with Nutella which I put in a plastic bag for the car ride. Three made me very happy. I liked to give in so someone could take care of me and kiss me on the forehead and reassure me that everything would be alright. It is an unfortunate ordeal, though, to remember any of this.
Tonight I made myself a tortilla with chocolate chips which I tried to melt in the microwave. The tortilla was tough, the chips didn’t melt all the way. I ate it in my bed and it made me sad.
I’ve got things floating around in my head that will likely never find a productive way out. Everyone wants to know the day you gave up on me. I want to know how long it was that you knew eventually you’d make your way back to the person you said you’d gotten over.
I need permission to breathe and for someone to take away all the things I do not feel like ever remembering.
