I have a habit of placing all my eggs in one basket. With that being said, lately I have been mourning the loss of having a best friend.
Someday when I part ways with the people I currently care about, as people tend to do for one reason or another, I will have things to comfort myself with. One such thing is the thought that every best friend I’ve ever had will never see things how they are. They understand that they did the merciful thing by accepting the end of a nice friendship. My ex boyfriend, formerly my bestest friend, thought his mercy extended so far beyond just the leaving part when he told me he didn’t really want to lose me but it was the way it was and when he kissed my forehead and when he came over and slept in my bed for the first time in months. He thought that if he never said ‘I love you’ first or even added on the affix, ‘so much’, I’d not take things so seriously. I would feel his mercy.
He and the best friends before are all wrong. I could sit there every time I’ve realized my best friend and I aren’t like that anymore and say, “Well I let you do this that and the other with my resources and emotions so you owe me this that and then some!”, but I’ve never done that. Any one of them could do laundry at my house, steal my favorite shirt, get mad when I say turn around while I change and tell me best friends look at each other’s bodies even though I feel weird doing it, or throw me an Audrey party just to say a week later that Brynn is the more prudent option for a best friend, and I’d still say thank you for seeing me.
Most summers I have spent as an adult with a best friend or someone I reminisce on have involved a set of two weeks that are up in the air. I want to play house with someone that I used to be best friends with in the same way I wanted two weeks on an air mattress in California with a girl I absolutely loved laughing with in seventh grade because I know I’ll never get another shot at it. Everyone is always so determined to find me someone else when they feel ready to go. Christine says it is because I am so young and nobody has a frontal lobe yet, but I’m not sure about that.
At the heart of it, I am an animal at auction in any friend’s mind, and I have no idea why things are like that or when it happened.
